The Power of “NO”: Learning Self-Care

“Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.”

Claudia Black

The word no is probably the most demoralizing word found in the English Language. It can serve as the life raft that saves you from drowning in an ocean of pain and regret.

On the other hand, it can be the force that surges the storm at sea. Nevertheless, one cannot deny that using a word with this much magnitude comes with it’s fair share of pros and cons.

In like manner, one should take into consideration why we sometimes avoid the word altogether and the consequences such evasiveness bares.

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That said, let’s unpack the paradoxical nature of NO.

Why We Avoid The N Word

#1. To Spare The Feelings of Others

We can’t help the fact that we humans are sensitive beings (those of us with hearts that is). Normally, we find ourselves spending valuable time thinking about how our actions or words are going to affect those around us.

Hence, when it comes to telling people NO, we fumble and experience difficultly. Admittedly, this is because we fear what will happen as a result.

Likewise, we fear that those we tell no to will either be furious, disappointed, or leave us altogether. Especially if it’s someone we perceive to be a role-model, close friend, significant other, or even family.

Part of us values that other person (purghaps too much) to deny their wishes, whether trivial or major.

And if you’re like me, you may just hate dealing with confrontation. Most times you don’t want to be in the midst of any drama or argument that stemmed from telling someone no.

Unfortunately, this where we find ourselves in a lot of trouble. Which brings me to the next point.

#2. Saving Face

Nobody wants to be made out to be the bad guy – Chun-Li (sorry, I had to). But in all seriousness, you personally hate the idea of being perceived as anything negative in the eyes of those around you.

I don’t care how much of a rebel you conceive yourself to be, deep down we all care about what somebody thinks. Even if it’s just having people think that we don’t care what they think of us – we still care.

In any event, you have this desire to convince others that you’re an okay individual (especially if you’re in a position of superiority).

Therefore, you find yourself participating and doing things with detestation because you never truly wanted to do them in the first place.

You wanted to scream “OH, HELL NAH” the first chance you got, but couldn’t bring yourself to it because you want to maintain this nice guy persona.

Well, let me be the first to remind you that niceness kills. And once people realize that your niceness can be frequently used for their betterment, they will take advantage of it with no remorse.

For there comes a time where you have to realize that you have every right to turn down something you genuinely have no interest in doing.

Additionally, you must come to grips with the fact that you can’t help everyone. Similarly, you must understand that no matter how much you try to self-preserve, someone is going to view you negatively.

Therefore, TO HELL with their feelings; you’re not obligated to be everybody’s saving grace.

Now, I’m not saying don’t ever say yes. Because there are instances where you may be helping out a good friend in a tight bind, or a dear relative in crisis.

All I’m saying is, don’t make it a habit of reluctantly doing things for people just to spare their feelings, or to keep this nice-guy self-portrait intact. Remember, you’re human too.

#3. Denial

Sometimes it takes longer for others to see the light. To realize what’s really going on in the bigger picture so to speak.

There are points in our lives where we find ourselves constantly saying yes to certain individuals because we are in denial of who they truly are and how they view us. Allow me to elaborate with an example.

There’s Kate. Kate scores straight A’s on all of her Math assignments. She’s oftentimes referred to as a genius but is very secluded. Then there’s Austin. He sucks at math but is very popular among others.

Austin asks Kate to help him in out with Math in preparation for an upcoming test. Kate agrees, since it’s the first time he ever spoke to her.

Besides, she was just excited that someone so popular wanted to hang out with her. You see where I’m going with this?

Austin the asshole only wants to hang-out/use Kate for her superb math skills. He has no interest in wanting to be her friend or getting to know her personally.

He only sees her as a means of getting ahead. He’s maybe even willing to engage her romantically behind the scenes (tell her how beautiful she is) but, will only come around when there’s a Math test coming up.

He is what is known as a USER. And it’s going to take a while before Kate gets that through her thick skull.

So please, don’t be a Kate. Be mindful of who checks on you periodically without requesting something of you.

And check yourself to make sure you’re not doing it to someone who has been nothing but supportive of you.

Watch out for those who only appear out of the mist when they’re in a jam or feel as if your talents can be of use.

And if you realize that someone normally gets extremely upset with you for saying no to their request (giving you the silent treatment, being unenthusiastic in your presence, shooting daggers at you, etc.), their intentions with you are not sincere and attest to their selfish, ulterior motives.

Trust me, by exercising your right to say no, you will fend off a lot of users, save tons of time to focus on you, and have more than enough energy to achieve what you want to.

Now that we’ve scratched the surface of why we avoid saying no, let’s briefly look over some of the pros and cons of periodically saying no.

Advantages of Saying NO

• You begin developing a much-needed backbone.
• People will start recognizing your assertive side and proceed with caution. (Gain newfound respect.)
• Less likely to be easily persuaded into doing something you’re opposed to.
• Save yourself a lot of time, which you can now use to focus on you.
• You get to weed out the users from the people who actually mean you well.

Disadvantages of Saying NO

• Resentment from the denied.
• Possible isolation from a group.
• Broken bonds/relationship (which is okay because they were never genuine to begin with)
• Physical Confrontation
  

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Final Thoughts 

Saying no doesn’t make you a monster, it makes you human. And if your need to avoid the word (or decline in general) comes from a place of fear, then there’s an issue afoot.

Because those who are truly for you will respect your decisions and will still care for you afterwards. (Just please ensure that your NO is accompanied by a good reason, even if it’s just because you’re tired).

The right people will understand and you’ll still be in good standing in their eyes.

Remember, saying NO is a birth right. Slavery was NOT a choice. You are free to make your own decisions without the fear of being prosecuted for them.

Because at the end of the day, you will have to deal with the aftermath, whether you said yes or no. So use this power wisely.

As always, take care of yourselves. Put your health and needs first. And continue to be your best, unapologetic self. Love you guys!

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